Light Bleeding

I woke up today with pretty bad cramps. In the early morning there was some pink discharge on my tissue when I wiped after peeing (I apologize for the TMI in this post- but you're going to hear worse than this, so if this kind of stuff doesn't suit you well, skip this diary entry). Anyhow, pink discharge- early in the day. Around noon I wiped and there was bright red blood with a single clot. I was sure my period had started. I spent the rest of the day checking- there was nothing aside from some very light minor light brown discharge- and it was so light that it could only be seen after I peed and wiped with tissue.

I'm a bit confused. On one hand, my period is due to start in a week. This is still around 6 days early. I've had cramps- which are typically associated with my period. I've been bloated. The sensitivity to smells has gone away- so has the urge to pee often. So I'm left feeling like I'm having a period, I'm just not actually bleeding yet.

I could either be in the very early stages of a period... or I could be having implantation bleeding. It's been around 10 days since I ovulated, and it's about 6 days before my period is due to start. It's almost the exact time when implantation bleeding would occur. I'm hoping I'm wrong- but this seems like one more symptom aligning itself with some very big news.

Fingers crossed my bleeding gets heavier tomorrow.

Too Early To Know

It's too early to know if I'm pregnant or not. My last period began on December 15th. I would have ovulated between the 25th and 31st (approximately). I was on the pill, but I'd started the pill a bit late, because I wasn't intending to have sex or see Ty the month of December. I started the pill December 22nd. The first time Ty and I... could have gotten me pregnant would have been around 1:00 AM on December 27th, and every day, multiple times a day, following that up to the morning of January 2nd. I started feeling symptoms (having to pee frequently, being sensitive to smells, and having lower abdominal cramps) on the 4th of January. Today, the 6th of January, I also have symptoms. I haven't had to pee nearly as often, but I've had awful cramps all day. My period shouldn't come until around the 12th, so this is a week early to be having lower stomach cramps. They started out very mild, but they're progressively getting worse. I'm hoping it's a sign that my period is, in fact, coming soon?

To keep my mind busy, I made a set of Alaskan runes today, and read them- for fun. I was trying to keep my thoughts from wandering back to the pregnancy test waiting to be taken in my bathroom. The first reading read:
Brown Bear Rune: Representing motherhood and feminine energy.
Spruce Tree: Representing prosperity, something lasting forever.
Snowshoe Hare: Representing fertility, sexual relationships.

There are 24 runes total. Only two of those - brown bear and snowshoe hare represent any kind of motherly energy. Perhaps I'm just over-analyzing. Reading into things too deeply. But it's hard not to worry a little. I've been ridden with anxiety. I try to stay busy, delve into work and crafts and writing to keep my mind from the inevitable nagging that, perhaps, my body's signals and my runes readings actually mean something.

Don't get me wrong; I love, Ty. But we've had a long and very hard relationship ridden with fights, disagreements, break-ups, and make-up sex (which, ironically enough, might be how 'this' happened). If I could choose any man on the planet to carry their child- I'd choose Ty. He's intelligent, ambitious, and driven. His child would be a blessing to the world. I'm just not ready to move forward with that yet- I'm not sure if I'd ever be ready, to be honest. But if, in fact, there is a little one brewing in my belly, causing the cramps that I've felt all day, then there are going to be some major changes taking place in my life over the next few months. Changes I did not anticipate or prepare for. I'm not ready to think about them, or acknowledge them. For now I'm going to live in ignorant bliss that those changes won't need to happen. And I suppose we'll all know, for sure, sometime around the 16th of January- when my period will be late (if it is late) and a pregnancy test will be able to give me an answer.

2016 Is... Going To Be Quite The Year

Ugh, I lied. I don't know what I want. But remember how I said I left the man I loved for a life of humble luxury in the village? I couldn't leave him. I just couldn't do it. I do- I seriously do love him. I put my entire freaking heart in his hands and I love him, so I ran back to see him over New Years. I'd never had a magical New Years moment- no story-worthy event that I felt I needed to document on the pages of this online diary. But that changed, at 12:01 AM on January 1st 2016.

Ty, that's his name. My boyfriend. We've been on and off for 9 months now. He's chased me as I've run away a dozen times. Blame my gypsy soul- but relationships have never been my forte. I'm amazing at leaving, but when it comes to staying I lack any ability at all. Over the last two weeks, though, he got me. He cemented his feet beside me.

I was always so addicted to this idea that if I got butterflies in my stomach when I kissed someone then 'they' were the one. Butterflies. Chemistry. That's what I needed. I never got that with, Ty, until this recent trip. The first kiss we shared when I walked back into his apartment (the one I'd lived with him in for two months) shot fireworks through me. Each kiss following that one got stronger and stronger. Something was changing, something was happening, my walls were caving in, and fuck it- I was falling in love with him.

I went to the bathroom at 11:45 PM on December 31st. We were in a crowded club in Anchorage called The Avenue. Music was blaring, drunks were dancing, and the line to the toilet was long. I peed as fast as I could and as they announced '2 minutes until the New Year!' over the music, I began pushing through people trying to get back to Ty. When I arrived at the spot where I'd left him- all I saw was my coat. I panicked. People began counting down. '10, 9- ' I dug into my coat pocket trying to find my phone. I desperately wanted him there, '8, 7' my phone couldn't turn on fast enough. Where the hell was he? '6, 5' I tried searching the crowd, and then looked back down to my phone- fumbling through my contacts in a drunken panic, '4, 3' I felt someone grab my shoulder and turn me around '2' it was Ty, with an equally as relieved look on his face. '1', he grabbed me, and pulled me in, and we didn't care that we kissed too long or too passionately or too drunkenly surrounded by the hundreds of other shouting people in the club. All we cared is that at the very start of 2016, we were together. And this was going to be our year.

Flash forward 2 hours later and somehow I was being drug onto stage at the strip club called Sin Rock and having my dress removed by stripper as Ty through $1 bills into the air. Fast forward another hour and we were drunkenly rolling around a hotel bed.

Fast forward 4 days, and I'm having cramps in my lower stomach. I have to pee constantly. I have a weird sensitivity to smells that I've never had before. And my appetite seems to have increased. Being with Ty and getting my New Years kiss? Yes- that's how I wanted 2016 to start. Possibly carrying his child after a week of drunken love making? This wasn't planned in the least...

Beginning Again

 Wow, it's been a hellofa long time since I've posted on here. I started this blog way back when I was an itsy bitsy teenager (19 years old!) and now I'm an old lady... I'm twenty three. Needless to say my life has taken some very big twists and turns over the last few years and I haven't kept up on this blog as much as I wished I would have.

I spent a couple years in my village home and didn't write much during that time. This last summer (the summer of 2015) I ran away to Anchorage to try my life as a more 'city-esque' being. That failed. Oh goodness, that failed miserably. I essentially moved for a man. A guy who loved me so so much. He put up with much more than he should have from me. I went through a bit of an identity crisis when I got over there. I'd always been the bush-living wide-eyed wondering hippie. It was foreign to me to live in a place where people went to work every day and drove cars and lived in neat houses. I was used to the village life, where most of the town just wandered around the tundra aimlessly gathering, hunting, and fishing their own food. The kids roamed freely and no one drove a car- snow machines were the only form of transportation. Granted, there were a lot of bad parts. But I loved my life without running water, television, and shopping malls. And I had that stripped away from me when I went and tried to be 'so and so's girlfriend'.

It didn't work. I broke down. I got angry and crabby and I turned into your normal bitter city person. I felt crowded. I drove a car and I hated my commute to my dead end job that gave me no source of satisfaction. I missed my village kids. I missed the stray dogs. I missed the tundra snow storms and the wild waves of the Yukon River. I missed my Eskimo neighbors and I missed my ragged old messy cabin home.

It took six months for me to get up the courage to admit that I couldn't trade my life of humble luxury in the village for a 'normal' life in Anchorage. I left the guy who loved me. I left my car and apartment and job, and I ran back out to the one and only place I'd ever truly felt at 'home' at: My village. My crazy village with dirt roads and no running water and dirty children running freely. My village where the store has no fresh produce and the only way to leave is to fly out on a $500 plane ticket. I ran back 'home' to that place. And that's where I'm at now. Happily sitting in my dirty cabin with a wood stove crackling in the corner and dogs howling beyond my window. I wouldn't have it any other way. I tried my hand at the normal life. But the normal life was never for me. I've made a commitment to this place now. It's stolen my heart. And as much as I'd like to live in a mansion with an expensive car, my ideal life involves a plywood-walled house and a dog sled. So this is the re-start of my life. My adventures as a Lone Alaskan Gypsy. Beginning again in the place she ran away to way back when she was just 18 years old...

Repeat Dreams Of The Same Person

There is one particular man who has shown up in my dreams sporadically but regularly for the last six to seven months. I know so little about him that calling him anything more than an acquaintance wouldn't seem appropriate. He worked at the Boys and Girls Club where I volunteered- and that's how I came across him. We briefly and barely talked. He had no interest in me, to say the least. Still doesn't. And yet, for some unknown to me reason, my subconscious has deemed him as an appropriate person to think about during slumber. I've had so many dreams of him, that I've come to expect them now. Quite frankly, I had no interest in him prior to having him show up so often in my dreams. The dreams are slowly getting more and more intimate. At first it was just talking, then it progressed to hugging, and although all other intimate acts were skipped over- the last two dreams have been of us raising children together. I believe everything happens for a reason- even dreams. Typically I can figure out what my dreams are telling me- but his repeat image has left a blank in my dream journal.