Keep Believing.

There's something about a shattered dream that can break you to a million peices. It leaves you helpless. When you've put everything into something and for some reason the floor falls through and you're left in the dirt... it's devestating. A place no one wants to be. That mountain looked so easy to climb, before! But now it just seems so high... so impossible. And your knees are bruised and your heart is broken and the world seems to walk by without a care. And time keeps ticking and you realize that you're losing it and the tears only clear away the dirt- so the bruises are even more clear. Everything can go wrong sometimes. I'll be the first one to admit that my naive soul puts me in the worst of situations. But it also blesses me with the beautiful ability to see through the clouds, and find a ray of sunshine. And today I'm finding my ray of sunshine. It seems like everything was gone, but no dream is lost until the mind it's made a home in permanently rests. I'm too young to permanently rest...

You Love Me Guilt

That 'oh dear, you're in love with me' moment you have when you realize someone likes you that you thought was just a friend. I've been there. Many times. And I'm terrible at handling it. I've been 'not liked' by the person I liked... alot. So when someone likes me- I really want to like them too. But, sometimes our souls just don't collide. Maybe mine intrigues them, but theirs doesn't enlighten me. And I'm terrible at dealing with such a situation. Because I don't want to break a heart. Ever. I've had mine broken and it sucks. So I don't want to be the one who caused the hurt. And I'll lie. I'll tell them someday or say I kind of like them too or sometimes (forgive me) kiss them just to give them the hope that romance still exists. I don't want to be the crasher of worlds. And I'll avoid being such a thing at all costs. And when it gets too far and they're falling in love and I know it's my fault- I'll leave. Abruptly and without warning. No answers. No explinations. No words left on a note in the bedroom. Just pure goneness. And that's how I break a heart. By staying in a place I didn't want to be. And leaving at the moment when they wanted me to be there the most. I'm a terrible human being. And I wreak havic on my own heart as much as the person I abandon. Guilt is the worst feeling in the world. And not knowing how else to handle things... makes it that much worse of an emotion to deal with.

Cabin Wall Secrets

I scribble secrets into my cabin walls. It will probably burn or rot or moss away before another human deciphers my writings. But I like to leave notes here or there. Directions, instructions, thoughts, hopes, dreams. I give advice sometimes- to the person who will live here next. Sometimes I tell them stories, sometimes I send them good wishes, sometimes I explain a part of history that perhaps they didn't get the chance to see. I scribble secrets in my cabin walls. For the person who may someday, or may someday not find them.

Dreaming of Unreality

I dream often of the wrong men. I used to think that fate was handing me a sign, but now I've realized they're only telling the secrets of my unknown desires. It's nice to be wrapped up in someone's arms in a dream. It's nice to feel a sort of reality that you won't have the chance to experience beyond the realm of sleep. I hold onto it. I liked the way he put his arm around my shoulder. I liked the way he sat next to me on the couch. I liked the way there was kissing foretold in the air. And I like the way I awoke before that foretelling came true. Sometimes it's nice to live a different life for while- even if only in my dreams.

A Failing Entrepreneur

I am constantly failing. I'm one of those entrepreneurs that tries everything and has yet to succeed at anything. I make enough money a year to be considered under the poverty line- and yet I invest enough money a year in endeavors to be considered a small business creator. I've tried everything and will try anything. I just love the idea of starting anew and getting an idea and just running recklessly with it. I'm very good at that- taking a dream and following it. I'm not one of those people who whispers 'someday' and then sticks my wish in my pocket and waits until it's too late. No, I'm not them. I'm a go-getter. A run out, spend all my money, make investments, have high expectations, and end with nothing in my hand go-getter. But, you see, it doesn't sadden me to fail. Every idea I've ever tried from shops to bakeries to interior design to fashion to animal breeding to crafting to writing to acting to... well the list goes on. Every idea- was my idea. And a dream. A dream I followed. A dream I tried. A dream I got to live, even for a short while, and even though in the end I gained not even a penny, I had a dream, and I followed that dream. And I may have a bank account empty to prove it, but I also have a life full of granted wishes- that I earned all by myself.

Faith In Mankind

I have faith in mankind. I don't think that bad people, corruption, greed, or anger rule this world. In fact, I can tell you that I honestly believe that love rules above all else. That there are many more good hearts than bad-doers. One million wonderful small souls stand miles above one historically terrible soul. Even the worst person in the world is worthless when compared against the billions of beautiful people that we call neighbors, friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers. I pity the people who feel the need to carry a gun everywhere they go. I pity the people who worry so deeply about their child's safety or their home's safety or their own safety. I pity the people who assume that in every public place there lies a person who could kill them. For the people who do such things, and think such ways, have missed out on one of the most beautiful aspects of being a human. And that is our ability to trust, to be kind, to see the good in each soul, and to love endlessly and fearlessly. And I truly feel sorry for the people who have lost that child-like trait, for it really does make life a wonderful thing to be a part of.

Friendship With Wolves

I'm not sure how many people can truly understand what it means to love an animal with every aspect of your being. Coho and Rascal do things to me. When my body aches they melt away my pain. When my heart aches they take away my sadness. When I itch for adventure they yearn to explore with me. They're tender with me. They're strong wolf teeth don't bite at my fingers. Rather if I hold even the tiniest bit of food they'll delicately, slowly, bite onto it (as to not even accidently nip me). They'll instinctually know when I need a friend, and never pass by the chance to simply curl into the bend of my knees and fall asleep. They give me something a human never could. A sort of mutual understanding that things speaking the same language can't have.

Short Cloudy Days

Cloudy days make the sun terribly late to rise. Now that our dawn is breaking around 11:00 the days are very short. And any sort of haze in the sky makes them even shorter. Snowflakes are loved, even treasured, here. But the clouds that produce them make a lack of activity beyond the front door. I love them, I do- but their casting shadows is taking away my motivation to explore.

Staying In The Cabin

I haven't left the house this entire winter. I'm not sure why. The outdoors aren't calling my name as loudly as my craft supplies, books, and blankets are. I've been doing a lot of dreaming. A lot of wondering about the future. A lot of hoping and writing and sometimes sleeping. But not a lot of exploring. I know I need to pull myself from this rut, but the comfort of these cabin walls is making leaving quite difficult.

Miracle Beginning

Coho and Rascal were terrified last evening. The immense amount of village fireworks and gunfire at midnight sent them into a frenzy. I knew Coho's fear and brought her in before the rush began. A few firecrackers had already been set off and had terrified her enough to bury herself under an old shed. After coaxing her out I brought her inside, but alas- even there she was struck in fear. So I spent the first hour of my new year consoling her wide-eyed scared soul. She looked so small. Ran up and down the hallway, trying to find a place to hide. I heald her tight, petted her, tried everything to calm her. Finally I took her into a back bedroom, layed her on the bed, and she let me curl her ears down and cover them (shutting out the sound). After a while she began to get tired and I took a knit scarf and tied it around her head to continue to drown out the fireworks. She fell asleep soon after. But my heart was still worried for Rascal. I ran outside to find him burrowed in the back dark corner of an old shed. He was terrified as well, but unlike Coho, perked up immidiately as I brought him inside. An hour later the loud bangs had subsided and I put my little wolves to bed. A long exhausting beginning to the New Year. But in all honesty, I wouldn't have spent it any other way. Being able to calm an animal is by far one of the greatest miracles of being a human. And last night I was able to experience that miracle twice.