The worst feeling in the world, to me, is when I like someone who doesn't like me back. In fact, I find it to be the worst common emotion anyone must face. Of course the loss of a loved one or the facing of a tragedy, trumpts heartbreak anyday. But, in the daily twists and turns of things- heartbreak is certainly one emotion I always wish to avoid. I'm finding myself in such a pit right at this moment. It's always a muddy pit, full of dirt and darkness. And it's terribly hard to escape from. He's so handsome, always kind, and my over-analyzing heart persuaded me that his friendly 'hello's' in fact meant 'I adore you'. I was wrong. And learned that quite clearly today when I saw him walking with another girl, a different girl, and one far from what I am. It was, in light terms, a heart-stopper. And I couldn't help but feel absolutely dreadful the remainer of the day. All this time I assumed he adored me oh, so, dearly. And no I've learned it's a one-sided emotion.
Contentment In Death
I'm not afraid to die. That phrase scares a lot of people. And I do not mean that phrase as in I am ready to die- or as in I want to leave this world. I mean at as in, I am so proud of my life. If I die young I want the world to know- I am okay. I am happy. I am so content with the life I have lived. I have made my mark. I have tried my best. I have spilled my heart into everything I do. And I do not have one reason to leave this world with a frown- or to wish I would have had more time. I am blessed, my loves. To be so young and yet to know that my life, as fleeting as it is, is worthwhile. And I am completely okay with the idea of never waking up tomorrow. I dearly hope I can do more, and that I have more time to make more miracles. But if not, then by all means I shall have my life flash before my eyes with the sincerest smile.
Shapes Of Frozen Clouds
You know the way people lay in the grass and find shapes in the clouds? I play the same game, but facing the opposite direction. I sit atop a steep slope and dream-up creatures in the floats of ice that pass across the pond. They're carried by the wind, not by the current. Made primarily of snow flakes and rain drops, they are- in their own frozen way- a cloud. Sitting atop a sky of water, drifting away into the wind until they reach land. I see magnificant things in them. Frogs, swans, daisies, and ice skates. They are beautiful and full of inspiring potential. They offer up the opportunity to be turned into anything the mind can imagine. And quite often, when I am in their presence, such imagined shapes truly do come to life.
Love For Yet Another Dog
My neighbor across the street is the owner of one of the sweetest dogs on earth. Unfortunately, for some reason, the kids in the home are very cruel to her. They kick her, hit her, spill over her water so she can't drink, and ride their bikes over her chain. It's heartbreaking to witness, and although the original owner is very loving towards her- the children(his nephews) are just very cruel. Recently she got off the leash and was running around the neighborhood. And as with any animal that crosses my path- I set out to befriend her. She was very shy at first, almost always ran away yelping if I even neared her. But after many many days of slowly getting closer, letting her know my scent, and eventually teaching her how wonderful it feels to get scratched behind the ears- something beautiful happened. There is only one person in the entire village she trusts- her owner. He is very kind towards her and she loves him dearly. But now... there are two people she trusts. I have made a habit of sitting with her each day. I let her approach me. At first she was very shy and took many minutes to come over, but now she runs and burrows her head into my chest. She rests her entire body against me and nuzzles my chin as hard as she can. She still shakes- mainly out of habit of fear of humans- but she isn't scared. She kisses constantly and has the biggest sweetest eyes. And the love I get from her is so overwhelming. I nicknamed her 'sweetpea' and she certainly has earned a sweet little place in my heart.
Late Break-Up
Winter is prolounged this year. This is the latest Yukon River break-up on record. We still have three feet of snow in the backyard. The one loan rabbit that has survived the harsh cold makes daily stops there. My honey throws him bits of greens and ears of corn. The dogs seem weary. I can tell they too are yearning warmer days. Both of the pups spend much of their time loaping around- waiting for the nice activities that will occur this summer. But summer seems so so far away. The snow is melting so slowly. The lakes and creek are still frozen. No birds have arrived yet. The swollows are late and the waterfowl almost nonexistant. It's such a shame. Children keep coming to my door asking when the pool will be ready. Darling little Eskimoes don't quite understand that it's still too cold. 20 degrees is too much of a chill for May (even in the subarctic) and I'm dearly hoping for brighter days soon ahead.
The Differences
As Coho and Rascal have matured into the sweet pups they are- they've bothed developed entirely different personalities. Having both been raised exactly the same way, by me, I find nature vs nuture to be taking it's course. Coho is very serious. She loves running, learning, working. And although she adores a nice cuddle, she prefers to be off and about doing her own thing. She's easily jealous and hates when another dog gets attention, but will happily share the attention (one hand petting her, one hand petting another) if she has to. Rascal, on the complete opposite, loves playing, being goofy, and digging holes. He is anything but serious, and doesn't find cuddles very entertaining. He's much too hyper for cuddles. And if you attempt a cuddle, he will turn it into a sweater tug-oh-war with your sleeve. He isn't very jealous and loves other dogs- so much as you give him a big hug and kiss first. These two pups are literally opposites. Coho will not step in a mud puddle- rather she will daintily walk around it. Rascal, on the other hand splashes right in- drinking the muddy water as he bounces across. And yet, amongst their differences, they are the best of friends. They fight, play, cuddle, and communicate every day. They are inseperable and are very protective over one another. And they are my biggest source of happiness. I love them equally- but differently, and really couldn't imagine a more perfect pair of furry children.
Just A Romantic Thought
"You are exquisite and devine," he said, in the lowest of whispers. I'll never forget that compliment, and the way it so eloquantly slipped from his lips. It wasn't your typical compliment. A whistle from a passing car as you're strolling down the sidewalk- it wasn't one of those. It wasn't a drunken internet-found pick-up line spewed haphazardly across the bar. No, it wasn't that. It was a poetically thought, Shakespeare inspired compliment. And it landed so softly in my memory. He's long gone now. I never knew his name. He saw me one day as I drifted through some old antique shops. Spilled those hopeless words before my open-toe heels. And left a permanent mark of chivalry in my heart.
Tearful Village Aura
I woke up in a very sad mood today. I can't quite explain it, I have no reason behind my verge of tears. But it feels like the village is mourning- there's a crying energy today. The sun is shining and it feels like spring, and yet the roads are very quiet. People seem upset, as do I. There's this unexplainably hopeless aura in the wind. It's slipping through the cracks in the door- making its way into every house. Leaving us all hopeless and tearful, without a reason in the world to feel such a way.
Prom Without A Dance
I was fourteen the first time I was asked to prom. I was not a popular kid, and it wasn't my Cinderella story. His name was Chad Looney- perhaps one of the sweetest boys in the entire school. He and I had been friends for a long time. The other kids in school were not too keen on his glass eye and elder age (health complications had left him in high school even after others his age has graduated). He was picked on regularly and I was the girl who chose to sit by him in the lunch room. He made me laugh, smile, and we both stood up for eachother when other kids were not-so-nice. So when he got up the nerve to ask me to prom, I said 'yes'. I didn't have a dress, nor would my mother buy me one, so I cut up two old dresses and sewed them together. It didn't look as I wished it would, but it would do. He wore a suit, bought a corsage to match my mis-matched dress, and paid for the tickets. We ate, but didn't dance. The cool kids filled the floor and we both sat on the sidelines. We ended up leaving early, and it's one of my sincerest regrets. I wish I wouldn't have cared so much about the looks of the meangirls (and the way they whispered about my cut-up dress). And I wish I would have danced, not because I liked the music, but because it was one of the few times I would have been able to prove to Chad that even though the other kids may not have been always nice to him- he was worth the time of a girl he thought was pretty. And I didn't show him that. So if some girl out there is reading this, and it's close to her prom- dance with the nerdy boy. Not to get attention. Not to be nice. Not to show off your big heart. But to simply dance with a guy who deserves your time way more than any of the jocks ever will. Someday you'll wish you would have.
Evelyn, My Little Hug-Bug
My heart is completely broken. I don't want to leave the couch or eat or sleep. I cannot even begin to recognize the enormous amount of tragedy that's struck this village over the past three months. But the most recent loss, was by far the hardest to swallow. Rest in peace little love. You will be missed so dearly! I'll miss your hugs and your waves and your really sweet outgoing smile. I'll miss you yelling 'Dawn!' every time I pass your house and the way you'd run up and hug me when you saw me in the store. I'll miss you so so much. But I know heaven just got so much brighter with you there. Love you little angel ♥ You'll always be in my heart.
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