Light Bleeding

I woke up today with pretty bad cramps. In the early morning there was some pink discharge on my tissue when I wiped after peeing (I apologize for the TMI in this post- but you're going to hear worse than this, so if this kind of stuff doesn't suit you well, skip this diary entry). Anyhow, pink discharge- early in the day. Around noon I wiped and there was bright red blood with a single clot. I was sure my period had started. I spent the rest of the day checking- there was nothing aside from some very light minor light brown discharge- and it was so light that it could only be seen after I peed and wiped with tissue.

I'm a bit confused. On one hand, my period is due to start in a week. This is still around 6 days early. I've had cramps- which are typically associated with my period. I've been bloated. The sensitivity to smells has gone away- so has the urge to pee often. So I'm left feeling like I'm having a period, I'm just not actually bleeding yet.

I could either be in the very early stages of a period... or I could be having implantation bleeding. It's been around 10 days since I ovulated, and it's about 6 days before my period is due to start. It's almost the exact time when implantation bleeding would occur. I'm hoping I'm wrong- but this seems like one more symptom aligning itself with some very big news.

Fingers crossed my bleeding gets heavier tomorrow.

Too Early To Know

It's too early to know if I'm pregnant or not. My last period began on December 15th. I would have ovulated between the 25th and 31st (approximately). I was on the pill, but I'd started the pill a bit late, because I wasn't intending to have sex or see Ty the month of December. I started the pill December 22nd. The first time Ty and I... could have gotten me pregnant would have been around 1:00 AM on December 27th, and every day, multiple times a day, following that up to the morning of January 2nd. I started feeling symptoms (having to pee frequently, being sensitive to smells, and having lower abdominal cramps) on the 4th of January. Today, the 6th of January, I also have symptoms. I haven't had to pee nearly as often, but I've had awful cramps all day. My period shouldn't come until around the 12th, so this is a week early to be having lower stomach cramps. They started out very mild, but they're progressively getting worse. I'm hoping it's a sign that my period is, in fact, coming soon?

To keep my mind busy, I made a set of Alaskan runes today, and read them- for fun. I was trying to keep my thoughts from wandering back to the pregnancy test waiting to be taken in my bathroom. The first reading read:
Brown Bear Rune: Representing motherhood and feminine energy.
Spruce Tree: Representing prosperity, something lasting forever.
Snowshoe Hare: Representing fertility, sexual relationships.

There are 24 runes total. Only two of those - brown bear and snowshoe hare represent any kind of motherly energy. Perhaps I'm just over-analyzing. Reading into things too deeply. But it's hard not to worry a little. I've been ridden with anxiety. I try to stay busy, delve into work and crafts and writing to keep my mind from the inevitable nagging that, perhaps, my body's signals and my runes readings actually mean something.

Don't get me wrong; I love, Ty. But we've had a long and very hard relationship ridden with fights, disagreements, break-ups, and make-up sex (which, ironically enough, might be how 'this' happened). If I could choose any man on the planet to carry their child- I'd choose Ty. He's intelligent, ambitious, and driven. His child would be a blessing to the world. I'm just not ready to move forward with that yet- I'm not sure if I'd ever be ready, to be honest. But if, in fact, there is a little one brewing in my belly, causing the cramps that I've felt all day, then there are going to be some major changes taking place in my life over the next few months. Changes I did not anticipate or prepare for. I'm not ready to think about them, or acknowledge them. For now I'm going to live in ignorant bliss that those changes won't need to happen. And I suppose we'll all know, for sure, sometime around the 16th of January- when my period will be late (if it is late) and a pregnancy test will be able to give me an answer.

2016 Is... Going To Be Quite The Year

Ugh, I lied. I don't know what I want. But remember how I said I left the man I loved for a life of humble luxury in the village? I couldn't leave him. I just couldn't do it. I do- I seriously do love him. I put my entire freaking heart in his hands and I love him, so I ran back to see him over New Years. I'd never had a magical New Years moment- no story-worthy event that I felt I needed to document on the pages of this online diary. But that changed, at 12:01 AM on January 1st 2016.

Ty, that's his name. My boyfriend. We've been on and off for 9 months now. He's chased me as I've run away a dozen times. Blame my gypsy soul- but relationships have never been my forte. I'm amazing at leaving, but when it comes to staying I lack any ability at all. Over the last two weeks, though, he got me. He cemented his feet beside me.

I was always so addicted to this idea that if I got butterflies in my stomach when I kissed someone then 'they' were the one. Butterflies. Chemistry. That's what I needed. I never got that with, Ty, until this recent trip. The first kiss we shared when I walked back into his apartment (the one I'd lived with him in for two months) shot fireworks through me. Each kiss following that one got stronger and stronger. Something was changing, something was happening, my walls were caving in, and fuck it- I was falling in love with him.

I went to the bathroom at 11:45 PM on December 31st. We were in a crowded club in Anchorage called The Avenue. Music was blaring, drunks were dancing, and the line to the toilet was long. I peed as fast as I could and as they announced '2 minutes until the New Year!' over the music, I began pushing through people trying to get back to Ty. When I arrived at the spot where I'd left him- all I saw was my coat. I panicked. People began counting down. '10, 9- ' I dug into my coat pocket trying to find my phone. I desperately wanted him there, '8, 7' my phone couldn't turn on fast enough. Where the hell was he? '6, 5' I tried searching the crowd, and then looked back down to my phone- fumbling through my contacts in a drunken panic, '4, 3' I felt someone grab my shoulder and turn me around '2' it was Ty, with an equally as relieved look on his face. '1', he grabbed me, and pulled me in, and we didn't care that we kissed too long or too passionately or too drunkenly surrounded by the hundreds of other shouting people in the club. All we cared is that at the very start of 2016, we were together. And this was going to be our year.

Flash forward 2 hours later and somehow I was being drug onto stage at the strip club called Sin Rock and having my dress removed by stripper as Ty through $1 bills into the air. Fast forward another hour and we were drunkenly rolling around a hotel bed.

Fast forward 4 days, and I'm having cramps in my lower stomach. I have to pee constantly. I have a weird sensitivity to smells that I've never had before. And my appetite seems to have increased. Being with Ty and getting my New Years kiss? Yes- that's how I wanted 2016 to start. Possibly carrying his child after a week of drunken love making? This wasn't planned in the least...

Beginning Again

 Wow, it's been a hellofa long time since I've posted on here. I started this blog way back when I was an itsy bitsy teenager (19 years old!) and now I'm an old lady... I'm twenty three. Needless to say my life has taken some very big twists and turns over the last few years and I haven't kept up on this blog as much as I wished I would have.

I spent a couple years in my village home and didn't write much during that time. This last summer (the summer of 2015) I ran away to Anchorage to try my life as a more 'city-esque' being. That failed. Oh goodness, that failed miserably. I essentially moved for a man. A guy who loved me so so much. He put up with much more than he should have from me. I went through a bit of an identity crisis when I got over there. I'd always been the bush-living wide-eyed wondering hippie. It was foreign to me to live in a place where people went to work every day and drove cars and lived in neat houses. I was used to the village life, where most of the town just wandered around the tundra aimlessly gathering, hunting, and fishing their own food. The kids roamed freely and no one drove a car- snow machines were the only form of transportation. Granted, there were a lot of bad parts. But I loved my life without running water, television, and shopping malls. And I had that stripped away from me when I went and tried to be 'so and so's girlfriend'.

It didn't work. I broke down. I got angry and crabby and I turned into your normal bitter city person. I felt crowded. I drove a car and I hated my commute to my dead end job that gave me no source of satisfaction. I missed my village kids. I missed the stray dogs. I missed the tundra snow storms and the wild waves of the Yukon River. I missed my Eskimo neighbors and I missed my ragged old messy cabin home.

It took six months for me to get up the courage to admit that I couldn't trade my life of humble luxury in the village for a 'normal' life in Anchorage. I left the guy who loved me. I left my car and apartment and job, and I ran back out to the one and only place I'd ever truly felt at 'home' at: My village. My crazy village with dirt roads and no running water and dirty children running freely. My village where the store has no fresh produce and the only way to leave is to fly out on a $500 plane ticket. I ran back 'home' to that place. And that's where I'm at now. Happily sitting in my dirty cabin with a wood stove crackling in the corner and dogs howling beyond my window. I wouldn't have it any other way. I tried my hand at the normal life. But the normal life was never for me. I've made a commitment to this place now. It's stolen my heart. And as much as I'd like to live in a mansion with an expensive car, my ideal life involves a plywood-walled house and a dog sled. So this is the re-start of my life. My adventures as a Lone Alaskan Gypsy. Beginning again in the place she ran away to way back when she was just 18 years old...

Repeat Dreams Of The Same Person

There is one particular man who has shown up in my dreams sporadically but regularly for the last six to seven months. I know so little about him that calling him anything more than an acquaintance wouldn't seem appropriate. He worked at the Boys and Girls Club where I volunteered- and that's how I came across him. We briefly and barely talked. He had no interest in me, to say the least. Still doesn't. And yet, for some unknown to me reason, my subconscious has deemed him as an appropriate person to think about during slumber. I've had so many dreams of him, that I've come to expect them now. Quite frankly, I had no interest in him prior to having him show up so often in my dreams. The dreams are slowly getting more and more intimate. At first it was just talking, then it progressed to hugging, and although all other intimate acts were skipped over- the last two dreams have been of us raising children together. I believe everything happens for a reason- even dreams. Typically I can figure out what my dreams are telling me- but his repeat image has left a blank in my dream journal.

Writing For Healing

Two months go I swore to myself that I would write every day for the rest of this year. Two months later, that obviously has not happened. I truly need to make a more sincere effort to just sit down and write a bit each day. It's so fulfilling. Three weeks ago, the three children I fostered last winter came back into my home- quite unexpectedly. Within the first two days of them being here, both Shiva and Mangey passed away. I spent most of these last three weeks emotionally and physically drained. It's been terribly exhausting and I've just wanted to run away and hide. Alas- as a parent, unfortunately you can't do that. And I've sucked up my tears, skipped over the grieving process for my little fur babies, and strengthened up for the three littles that need me to be strong for them right now. Good energies have taken care of me, and I'm slowly beginning to feel more and more in tune with the world again. And writing has always been my therapy- so I'm here to try and be the best I can be, again.

Late Night Talkers

You know what I really enjoy about late nights? People tell stories late at night. People don't do that during the day. You never hear people delve into philosophical spews at 10:00 AM. But at midnight, every single person becomes a deep thinker. It's pretty remarkable. I think I'm just going to start talking to people late at night. They're way more entertaining in the dark, than they are at midday.

Minnie Mag Speaks

Minnie Mag is my conversationalist cat. It took her a while to like me. I'm not sure what her past owners were like, but she wasn't fond of women when she first came into my home. I tried very hard to change her opinion, and eventually she decided I was a dandy person to be around. Since then, she's spent her days keeping me vocally entertained. I'll often mutter to myself throughout the day. I talk aloud even if no other humans are nearby. Minnie doesn't mind though, she enjoys conversations actually. And no matter what room in the house she is in, she will meow happily back to me when I talk. And if I ever happen to mention her name amidst a conversation she happily comes out to greet me as if to say "I heard you say my name, and thought I would bless you with my presence. Seeing as though I am only so wonderful you must probably be speaking very good about me, anyhow." And she truly is wonderful. How nice it is to have a verbal reply when you speak- even if a human isn't the thing replying to you.

Never Wish On The Weather

I jinxed it. The weather, I mean. I've jinxed the weather. Everyone says "Don't make wishes on the weather." And they do so for a good reason. If you wish for the weather to be a certain way- it will be that way, and it will stay that way until you are so sick of it you want it to change again. Today I was outside and the mosquitos were bugging me and all I wanted was a bit of wind to blow them away from my face. So I said "I wish there was wind." And in came the wind. And just as with all winds- it brought clouds. And just as with all clouds- they brought rain. So I wished for the wind and it came. But as did the clouds and rain, which forced me from my time outside, back indoors. Never wish on the weather...

Salmonberry Lesson

Berry picking, berry picking, berry picking- it's all I've rambled about lately. But I have one more tidbit to add. Something I don't think I've written about before. It's the lesson that salmonberries teach me. Salmonberries are small orangish, pinkish, reddish berries that dot the tundra. Each one is a different color and a different shape. There is no such thing as a 'perfect salmonberry'. The best ones are often the ugliest. They have juicy over-ripened look and a faded color to them. The plump redder ones that are perfectly proportioned are often very tasteless. So it leads you to learn that often the most imperfect of berries taste the best, and you begin to look over the prettier ones because you know it's what's on the inside that counts. I always eat the ugly berries. They're the most delicious. The prettier ones are left alone- as they don't taste nearly as good. Just as with the simple lesson taught to humans on the idea of 'beauty', what's on the outside truly doesn't matter. It's the taste (or the personality) that makes all the difference.

Berry Drought

We had a very dry winter and a very dry summer, which is leading to a very dry fall. After a full day of picking berries yesterday, I'm beginning to realize that there are not nearly as many as there usually are. Our berries require moist wet swampy tundra to grow. This year, our tundra is dry- barely surviving. And the berry plants are growing, but not producing the buds needed to produce fruit. So we walk over many patches that we've picked from each year, and barely accumulate one or two berries. It's a shame, but it's mother nature. She obviously knows the world goes in cycles. She won't kill our berries- but she certainly made them struggle this year. I'm hoping she decides a rainy season is in order for next summer- as the berries could sure use some extra help getting back on track.

Full Stomach of Berries

It's already time to begin picking salmonberries! The summer seems to have lasted so long, and yet it's going by so so fast. So out we trekked into the tundra to fill our baskets and make our jam. This year my stomach has been getting more berries than my basket. I've yearned for the sweet juicy taste of salmonberries all winter and I'm finding it hard to contain myself in their presence. I try to pick one, eat one- but I often end up eating five and picking one. I walk away with a full stomach and an almost-empty basket. Thank goodness not all of them have ripened yet- so I still have time to pick. If not I'd be merry for a day, but doomed for my winter's supply.

Accumulating Furs

I went out and picked out some furs today from our local seller, to reserve for my winter endeavors. My plan? Well I hope to begin commercial sewing fur hats, mittens, and baby booties to sell. I secretly wish to make enough to buy a home with a yard large enough to open my own dog kennel. High hopes, but a girl's gotta dream. Anyhow, I bought furs. But what furs, you ask. Four small black beaver. A large natural brown beaver. Two black rabbit furs. Four gray rabbit furs. One purple-ish gray rabbit fur. One white-ish gray rabbit fur. Five white rabbit furs. Three tan and white rabbit furs. One calico rabbit fur. One tan and black rabbit fur. I also grabbed two dyed and sheered beaver furs- one is pink and the other is blue. Something silly and fun. And now, I await my sewing machine's arrival- so I can create! Mwah, ha, ha, ha, haaa. Is the excitement of this new endeavor getting to me? I think it is...

Sewing Machine

I purchased a sewing machine! Our slow mail will make me wait for it though, as it is being shipped from the lower 48 and will take a good three to four weeks to arrive. I'm dearly excited though! I've hand sewn quite a bit, but have yet to deeply delve into machine sewing. A part of me is filled with nerves- because I'm not quite sure how to thread the darn things, but I'm hoping I'll quickly learn and be able to lock myself inside for a few hours and create many a' fashionable creations!

Too Rough To Fish

It was too rough to fish today. We had an opening and there were certainly many salmon in the river. But the west winds were strong and the waves were high and our boat was just simply too small to fish. So we had to turn around and go home. It was kind of devastating walking away from a day when we could have earned money. Our inability to continue on was a sad one indeed. But, I suppose our lives are never worth a few extra coins. So for the time being I'll simply sit inside and await the next opening.

So Many Pets

Muddy paw prints are always tracing my carpeted floors. Half eaten pork bones are buried all over my yard- a feat my dogs are so dearly proud of. My couch is frayed from feline claws. And beneath the couch lies an array of materials hoarded by collecting ferrets- things like toilet paper rolls, skeins of yarn, fur sewing scraps, and occasionally a pig ear or two. Most of my home is dedicated to furry creatures. At night time by bed is filled with cats. In the morning my house awakens with the happy frolicking and digging of the ferrets. And my yard is a play area for eager and hyper and very muddy dogs. People often shutter at the site of it. "How can you live with so many animals?" they ask. And all I can think is, "How can I not?". Not everyone will understand, but the few who do will simply know. How can one not, live without so many furry children? 

Fate's Mean Sometimes

You know what's odd about me? Odder than most people? When I like someone... intimately- I do so in a way with so much belief that it's fate. I don't simply 'like' someone, but I actually believe that fate has put them in my life for a reason. And eventually I'll often come to terms with the fact that perhaps fate's only real reason for putting them in my life was for me to admire them from afar. That happens often. My lust interests rarely lust me back. They certainly humble me down, though. Could fate possibly put people in my heart, just to have my heart hurt over them? That seems awfully cruel. But at the same time it seems awfully common...

Cloudy Sleepiness

I have been so utterly exhausted lately. I know I often complain about the weather. The sun is too bright. The clouds too dim. The rain too dreary. The winds too strong. The snow too never-ending. But, I'm not necessarily complaining this time. I actually don't mind the clouds. But I do admit they are making me tired. The comfort of my bed is so hard to leave when the sun isn't forcing me to wake up.

Miracles For Strangers

I'm not quite sure why I had such a good gut feeling yesterday, but nothing swell has happened today. I do hope that at least something nice happened to someone out there. Perhaps I had a good gut feeling on a stranger's behalf. I had the knowledge that someone out there would experience something lovely today! That person may not have been me... but hopefully a miracle happened on the behalf of my good feeling nonetheless. Wherever in the world the miracle occurred, I hope it was absolutely lovely.

Good Gut Feeling

I feel like something magnificent will happen tomorrow! I've had this gut feeling building for quite some time that something lovely will happen- and I think tomorrow is the day. I have no idea what good thing will happen. But something good will certainly occur. I just know it.