The worst feeling in the world, to me, is when I like someone who doesn't like me back. In fact, I find it to be the worst common emotion anyone must face. Of course the loss of a loved one or the facing of a tragedy, trumpts heartbreak anyday. But, in the daily twists and turns of things- heartbreak is certainly one emotion I always wish to avoid. I'm finding myself in such a pit right at this moment. It's always a muddy pit, full of dirt and darkness. And it's terribly hard to escape from. He's so handsome, always kind, and my over-analyzing heart persuaded me that his friendly 'hello's' in fact meant 'I adore you'. I was wrong. And learned that quite clearly today when I saw him walking with another girl, a different girl, and one far from what I am. It was, in light terms, a heart-stopper. And I couldn't help but feel absolutely dreadful the remainer of the day. All this time I assumed he adored me oh, so, dearly. And no I've learned it's a one-sided emotion.
Contentment In Death
I'm not afraid to die. That phrase scares a lot of people. And I do not mean that phrase as in I am ready to die- or as in I want to leave this world. I mean at as in, I am so proud of my life. If I die young I want the world to know- I am okay. I am happy. I am so content with the life I have lived. I have made my mark. I have tried my best. I have spilled my heart into everything I do. And I do not have one reason to leave this world with a frown- or to wish I would have had more time. I am blessed, my loves. To be so young and yet to know that my life, as fleeting as it is, is worthwhile. And I am completely okay with the idea of never waking up tomorrow. I dearly hope I can do more, and that I have more time to make more miracles. But if not, then by all means I shall have my life flash before my eyes with the sincerest smile.
Shapes Of Frozen Clouds
You know the way people lay in the grass and find shapes in the clouds? I play the same game, but facing the opposite direction. I sit atop a steep slope and dream-up creatures in the floats of ice that pass across the pond. They're carried by the wind, not by the current. Made primarily of snow flakes and rain drops, they are- in their own frozen way- a cloud. Sitting atop a sky of water, drifting away into the wind until they reach land. I see magnificant things in them. Frogs, swans, daisies, and ice skates. They are beautiful and full of inspiring potential. They offer up the opportunity to be turned into anything the mind can imagine. And quite often, when I am in their presence, such imagined shapes truly do come to life.
Love For Yet Another Dog
My neighbor across the street is the owner of one of the sweetest dogs on earth. Unfortunately, for some reason, the kids in the home are very cruel to her. They kick her, hit her, spill over her water so she can't drink, and ride their bikes over her chain. It's heartbreaking to witness, and although the original owner is very loving towards her- the children(his nephews) are just very cruel. Recently she got off the leash and was running around the neighborhood. And as with any animal that crosses my path- I set out to befriend her. She was very shy at first, almost always ran away yelping if I even neared her. But after many many days of slowly getting closer, letting her know my scent, and eventually teaching her how wonderful it feels to get scratched behind the ears- something beautiful happened. There is only one person in the entire village she trusts- her owner. He is very kind towards her and she loves him dearly. But now... there are two people she trusts. I have made a habit of sitting with her each day. I let her approach me. At first she was very shy and took many minutes to come over, but now she runs and burrows her head into my chest. She rests her entire body against me and nuzzles my chin as hard as she can. She still shakes- mainly out of habit of fear of humans- but she isn't scared. She kisses constantly and has the biggest sweetest eyes. And the love I get from her is so overwhelming. I nicknamed her 'sweetpea' and she certainly has earned a sweet little place in my heart.
Late Break-Up
Winter is prolounged this year. This is the latest Yukon River break-up on record. We still have three feet of snow in the backyard. The one loan rabbit that has survived the harsh cold makes daily stops there. My honey throws him bits of greens and ears of corn. The dogs seem weary. I can tell they too are yearning warmer days. Both of the pups spend much of their time loaping around- waiting for the nice activities that will occur this summer. But summer seems so so far away. The snow is melting so slowly. The lakes and creek are still frozen. No birds have arrived yet. The swollows are late and the waterfowl almost nonexistant. It's such a shame. Children keep coming to my door asking when the pool will be ready. Darling little Eskimoes don't quite understand that it's still too cold. 20 degrees is too much of a chill for May (even in the subarctic) and I'm dearly hoping for brighter days soon ahead.
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