I feel as though 2012 passed slowly but quickly all at once. It seems to soon to end, but an ending long in the waiting. I'm not sure what 2013 beholds for me. I'm not sure what I want it to behold. Tomorrow is just another day. And the day after, yet another day. And I am inhaling and exhaling and becoming the person I am going to be. I will make mistakes and triumphs. I will feel heartache and unimaginable happiness. I will change lives, both for the better and worse. And I will live. Perhaps not always in the moment- but just a part of a moment passing. And I'll find, someday, that every step I ever took was leading me on a beautiful journey that I call life.
Collecting Skeleton Keys
I collect skeleton keys. Not because I find their antique appeal beautiful, but rather because their vibrations tell secrets. Each key leads to the wonder of what it opened, what locked compartment it allowed a human to enter. How magnificant lost keys are. What sort of mysteries they behold. They were kept in pockets, stored confessions, hid riches, and spoke the directions of unknown corridors. They are made of a hundred different metals, etched with a thousand designs. Hold one in the palm of your hand. Feel it, listen to it, and it will tell you old fairytales that a very few ever knew existed.
To Create Your Own World
Reality is just a figment of our imagination. Our minds are magnificant things. They can take us beyond this physical world, or make this physical world something beyond what our eyes see. If we try hard enough we can begin to feel things, to see things, to experience things no one thought possible. We can touch stars, communicate with spirits, feel the heartbeat of the mountains radiating through our hair. We can leap high into the air, freeze time, and remain weightless for minutes. We don't need to breathe. There is no part of this world that we need to follow the rules of. We can make our own rules. Deep within the depths of our souls lies the remarkable ability to make life into anything we want it to be.
Warm Play
The weather is warming up. I can now walk outside without a parka, mittens, scarf, or even boots to keep me warm. I wear boots- simply because they high sides and prevent snow from chilling my toes. But nothing else. And I run around with Coho and play with Rascal. It's perfect. The snow is packed down enough to easily make trails. And we bounce around happily. My sleddog, my wolf, and I.
Letting Go
I let things go. I did. I am, today. Not sure why. I just feel as though there are a lot of things I am holding onto that I need not grasp any longer. So I'm letting them go. Everything that's ever upset me is fading away. I'm accepting apologies I've never heard. Forgiving people for things they won't aknowledge they've done wrong. Bettering myself by walking away from regrets I want other's to have. I'm tired of wasting good energy on negative things. So I'm telling it all farewell and stepping away from the words I wanted to hear. Silently saying goodbye to the one's who don't deserve an explination.
Post-Yule Illness
I am terribly ill today. Stricken with all of the ideas of a hangover. But, alas, I dispise alchohol- so it couldn't be the cause. Something else is perhaps. My Yule high fading away. But it's taken my body and stricken it to peices. I am cold and hot. Shaking and on the verge of losing everything I've eaten in the past 24 hours. In dier need of lots of rest. A warm bath would be nice, but with the lack of running water I suppose a sponge bath will have to do. Terribly exhausted, my body is worn down, and all I can think is of the many things that still need done.
Unexpected Christmas Miracle
Today I was blessed- in a way few people are. As you know Santa handed me the job to deliver a few children gift's this year. And a family of five up the road sent their two oldest (an 8 year old boy and a 7 year old girl) to my door on Christmas morning. In their hands they heald the toys that had been quickly unwrapped and opened (to be played with of course). And they also heald a lynx fur, which was given to me as a gift. The young girl said, "My mom and dad said they love you because you got us lots of toys". I smiled and hugged her- told her I loved them too. And then I asked what else they had gotten for Christmas. Nothing... aside from the toys I had handed them two days ago. I didn't know when I delivered those small trinkets that their family did not have the means to produce even one gift this year. But Santa works in funny ways. And often times those ways are miracles.
Awaiting Unwrapping
Christmas Eve. A hopeful day of anticipation. I am not a Christian- rather a Pagan. But I postpone my Yule until the 25th each year, merely because I adore the excitement that Christmas morning beholds. You feel it today, don't you? The hope. The excitement. The everwaiting unknown of what lucky children will have awaiting them when their sleepy eyes open tomorrow morning? A beautiful thing- isn't it? A wonderful thing... all waiting to be unwrapped at the next dawn.
An Elf's Gift
I took Yule gifts around today. Well, more so Santa did. Few children here have ever seen Santa Claus. Few ever will. So I like to give them a small lesson in what exactly Saint Nick is. He is the lesson of doing good things anonymously. He is the spirit of kindness that needs no recognition. The action of doing something heartfelt with no expectation of a 'thank you'. Imaginary? Fairytale? Contreversial? I think not. A magnificant part of earth folklore? Absolutely. And so I wrapped many gifts today and ventured into the cold to take them to a few families who needed smiling children on Christmas morning. Many of the kids are aware that the gifts are from me. But perhaps someday they will come to understand that an elf was the one to deliver them to my door- so that I may deliver them to theirs.
Knowing The Sky
The sun is very late to rise now. Around 11:00 AM it finally peers it's sleepy head over the horizon. It's always a pink glow. Not like in the summertime when the sunrise switches from hues of purple to green to blue to yellow to orange. In midwinter the sunrise is always one color- pink... sometimes drifting into a dark red when there is a storm in the near future. And I like the consistancy of it. I like being able to fortell the exact moment the sun will arrive, and what color the clouds will be to celebrate it's appearance. There's something inspiring about knowing the world so intimately. People often forget that we have the ability to know the sky better than we know the ground. If only we took a moment each morning to awknowledge it's presence.
Athabascan Admiration
The very shortest day of the year is upon us. Today I travelled up river for work. A four hour plane ride in some horrific winds. It was beautiful though. We transfer from flat tundra to spruce covered mountains. There's something magical about the Athabascan villages. They are so very different from my Yup'ik home and I fall in love with their scenery. Tall trees, gardens, chicken coops, sleddogs, and fenced log cabins. They are beautiful in a way that my home isn't. My home... is breathtaking. But theirs is terribly remonescent of the place I sometimes yearn to be.
Helplessness
Lately I've had an ever present sense of doom looming over me. I'm struck with anxiety whenever I sit in the dark. I can't quite explain it. It's this indescribable sadness. Sort of like the way you feel when someone forgets to hug you goodbye or passes you as if you're invisible. Not a depressed emotion, but rather a longing for something better. I'm not longing for better for myself though. I'm longing for the world's betterment. For people to find happiness. For children who are starved to eat. For one's who are broken to heal. For the terrible things to turn into miracles. I want to be able to change the world. To alter it significantly. To cure every bit of hurt anyone has ever experienced. And yet, there I lay in my comfy bed... stricken with anxiety. Not because I'm sad or worried. But rather because I can't do anything for the people who are.
Hoping for Deja Vu
I had a dream last night about a boy I used to know. It was an odd dream, but a perfect one. I don't remember all of it. But a lot of it was us catching up- chatting about what we've done since we went seperate ways two years ago. And then somewhere admist it all I think we sort of fell in love. And there was one particular moment where we were hugging. Really close hugging. The kind where every single inch of the other person is against you. And we kissed. It all felt so so real. Butterflies shot through me. I love those kinds of dreams. The kind where you wake up, but close your eyes just to hold onto the feeling a bit longer. He re-entered my life (in real life) about a month ago. We've exchanged little words since then. But it wasn't until this dream that I actually stopped to think about him. He was always magnificant. And we've went our seperate ways now. But I would dearly like to cross paths with him in person again... just to see if my dream would cause deja vu.
Scars of Play
Rascal is in the deepest sense, my big puppy that will never grow up. I make trips to him often throughout the day. To throw him food, pet him, play with him, and add hay to his house. Today, as the temperatures began to fall, I went out with a sack full of grass to add to his home. But, alas, a big puppy sees a sack and thinks something exciting must be inside. Now, Rascal has grown into quite the large dog. A wolf hybrid. So he is by no means a small puppy. So when he grabbed my burlap sack and began to wrestle it to the ground... I too was taken to the ground. And then of course I became a toy of joyful pouncing and licking. Needless to say fifteen minutes passed before I made it to my feet again. And I now have the scars on my arms and legs to prove I played with wolves... But these scars are my pride and joy. Proof that even the most frightening of creatures can fall in love with a human.
A Pagan Santa Claus
I, myself, do not celebrate Christmas- but every single child in my village hopes for Santa. I believe in him. I always have. My childhood was blessed with his appearance. When I left Christianity and followed my pagan heart I began to celebrate Yule- which even further inspired my belief in the loving, kind, magical create named St. Nicholas. Unfortunately, Santa seems to forget a few children here. There are a few hopeful eyes that wake up to hungover parents and not a single treat under the tree on Christmas morning. Such a story was brought to my attention last year- and as you all know, Santa magically appeared for those two lucky young girls. And this year, Santa is visitting three more houses this Christmas. He's dearly excited (can barely hold in the excitement). And even though Yule is my day of choice, the 25th will most certainly be my day of joy. I won't be able to see the excitement, or hear it, or be amidst it. But I'll know it... and that will literally be the most amazing 'good morning' feeling in the world.
Lullaby Singing Sleddog
Coho makes everything seem alright. I don't know what it is about her. She's so nonchalant with every action she makes. And yet, when I am feeling sad and gray, she somehow manages to nonchalantly make everything okay. Just by being near her, and having her nuzzle my chin with the top of her head, takes away all of my worries. She curls into me. When I lay down she positions herself to curl right into the bend of my knees. She's my best friend in the entire world. She never says a word, but she speaks calmness with her actions.
Wanting Hello
I realize I am blessed. I am flattered on a daily basis. But at the same time, flattery is beginning to get old. I want philisophical conversation (based on astrology, not religion), playful banter, sarcastic humour, and a weird sense of galaxies coliding. I want blushing and stuttering and awkwardness. I don't want a compliment. I just want someone to be a friend with, to walk with, to get lost with, and to argue with. I don't need a man who begs to get my attention by throwing around haphazard words like 'beautiful' and 'sexy'. I need a man who meets me at the bar and doesn't care to say anything more than a simple "Hello".
Wish I Wouldn't, But I Do
The only reason I shouldn't fall in love with you, is that I have better things to do. But my heart doesn't care about time, because when time fails and the clock stands still- love stands strong. I wish I wouldn't dream about you. I have bigger goals, better things to do. But you're always there in the back of my mind. I can't get you out no matter how hard I try. I would push the world away to spend a lifetime with you. And I really wish I wouldn't, cause I have better things to do. But my heart doesn't care about time, because when time fails and the clock stands still- love stands strong.
The Art of Judging People
There are so many people who I've crossed paths with and they've stayed to chat for a while- but I've left before the conversation was finished. I left words unsaid. They wanted to talk more, but I was sick of listening to their story. I judge people, I do, and I hate to be the one to look down on others. But he was the father who didn't give a f*ck about his children, he merely wanted to live out his dreams. And he was the man who thought his religion was the best- so best in fact, that he had Hitler-like views on how America should be run. And then of course there was him... the one that had nothing wrong with him. But he left my conversation with words unsaid. And I can't help but wonder what whisper I let trickle through my lips that scared his judgemental mind away...
Insecure
I have insecurities that fly around more vividly than fireflies on Midsummer's Eve. I am one of those young women. The one's that leave their hair unkept and clothes unwashed. I try though, I do. I make an attempt to get up in the morning and put on a dainty skirt and a bit of mascara before I face the day. But I often feel so self-concious... so unworthy. I fear being compared. I don't want to stand side by side with anyone else. I want to be viewed as an individual alone, not an individual apart.
Escaping Maturity
I'm a virgin. Nowadays a twenty-year-old virgin is like a forty-year-old one. It's cliche and pitiful. But I'm proud of it. I love sex, I'm inspired by it, but I won't participate in it. It's an artistic expression, I think. I'm paranoid in a sense. I guess I feel like if I gave away that innocent part of myself I would lose my fairytale allure. My imagination would escape me and I'd find my writing ability lost admist a maturity that I wasn't ready for. I remain a virgin so that I still have this artistic part of me in tact. Once I give up my childlike aspects I fear I'll lose my ability to transcend to different worlds and explore things in an unwavering curious manner. Too many girls are too quick to yearn for adulthood. But I yearn for the absence of adulthood. My virgin innocence will remain with me until I find another way to carry my childlike heart with me wherever I go.
Company of Snowflakes
It snowed today. A real, thick, heavy snow. The kind we haven't had in over a month. It was beautiful. I've been stuck inside too long. My boots have barely trekked beyond the front yard. And the only reason they go out there is to feed and play with Coho and Rascal. I'm in dier need of an adventure. But today all I wanted to do was watch from my bedroom window. I nestled in under my canopy bed and peered out quietly for about a half an hour until the flakes trickled to a slow light level. They were perfect company this afternoon. Just the faces I needed to see to brighten up my otherwise uneventful day.
Children & Gifts
I love the holidays. I love Hanukkah and Yule and Christmas. I love giving gifts. It's an odd thing to enjoy really. Giving things away, specifically to children. There's no substance return that goes with such a deed. In fact it's a deed that never really gets returned. Children take and laugh and enjoy and maybe mutter a thank you (if you're lucky). But they never think to return the favor. And yet, even without a return it seems to be the most glorious feeling in the world to hand a kid a wrapped package. I never think 'I hope I get repaid for this' or 'They owe me'. I don't think anyone thinks that, like we do with other deeds. With giving children gifts we just give... thoughtlessly. And their smile is enough of a thank you. Maybe if we treated every deed the way we treat giving a child a present the world we be a much more beautiful place.
Curl Away Days
Lazy days. Curl away and drink tea from small cups days. Cuddle in a blanket days. Read a book days. The kind of days where all you want to do is stay near your woodstove, wear your wool boot socks, and eat spoonfuls of honeycomb. I have too many of these days. When one doesn't necessarily have a career, there is a lot of room to do nothing at all. I survive by living off the land and doing odd jobs to make ends meet. But when I lack motivation and comfort finds me in the most irresistable mood... I dearly have a problem leaving the corner of my couch to go out and face the world.
Bumbling Writer
Somedays I feel like I've worked so hard and accumulated so little. Don't get me wrong; I fully realize that I am a very blessed individual. But as with every young person I am reaching for the stars. I just feel like I'm barely making it off the ground. The clouds seem far too out of reach- yet alone the moon. I want to be something. Something big and important and memorable. I want to change lives and alter fate and spill secrets that the world forgot to tell. And I feel like I'm at a loss on where to go or what to do. How can a bumbling writer, that stutters when she speaks aloud, ever change the world?
Later In Life Lessons
It's amazing how time can surprise you. I remember back in my teenage years I had swooned over hundreds and passed by just as many. I thought I knew who was a prince and who was a dragon. But things are changing now. People I used to look up to, I now pity. One's I barely took notice of, I now sit in admiration of. Boys whom I once adored now seem so nonchalant, and one's I barely spoke a word to leave regrets of ignorance in my mouth. There are a few people I wish I would have gotten to know better, and a few I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time yearning for. It's amazing how times change and minds change and all of the sudden weird little peices of the world fall into place. Maturity is a word now, not a number. And all of the sudden I'm seeing things in people that my teenage heart never noticed- the good, the bad, and the ugly. And all of the sudden a lot of fate-planned things are making sense.
Past Time's Strangers
I like it when I look back and notice what you became, and I realize you've turned into a magnificant young man. I never took notice, always passed by you, and didn't give a second thought later in life. But when our paths crossed and we exchanged our simple "How you been?'s, I was happy to see who you were. I never really knew you, but I'd like to get to know you someday. You're a pleasant surprise amongst this oh so predictable world we reside in. It's humbling to see I'm not the only one who grew up and changed everything the world percieved me to be. Keep going dear gentleman. You have a world of beauty ahead of you.
Sentimental Treasures
There are a few things I miss from my childhood home. Thunderstorms, fireflies, raccoons, and deer. Dirt roads with spontaneously placed quaint neighborhoods. Stray cats, dark summer evenings, and little church events that bring entire towns together. We don't have those things here. I haven't seen lightening or heard thunder in over two years. I cringe when I think that my children may never see a firefly if they are raised here. Raccoons and deer are replaced with lynx and weasels. My heartfelt neighborhoods are now native villages. I've always hoped that someday I'll drive along and find a stray cat... but those things just don't happen here. The darkness brings beautiful northern lights though, and the elders here don't attend church- but rather teach Yup'ik. There are always things I'll miss from a time long ago, and I'll have times when I just want to run back. But a part of me knows I was never met to stay there- and someday I'll find this home beholds just as many sentimental treasures.
30 Days Without Snow
For 30 straight days now we have had no snow. An entire month without one flurry. The little bit of white flakes that fell in October are now trampled by foot prints, animal tracks, dogsled trails, and snowmachine-made roads. The trees are brown, the roofs are clean, the water areas are pure ice (unhidden by snow). Typically the lakes, sloughs, creeks, and Yukon River will have a full layer of snow covering them. It makes it difficult to distinguish land from water. But with our lack of precipitation everything is visible. A blessing in disguise I suppose. It is kind of a magical experience to find a hidden pond you previously knew nothing of.
Absent Sunshine
Kissing the sunrise goodbye is always a tough thing. Through this month and January I will be lacking much daylight at all. My dear shining friend is hiding right along the horizon. Barely coming above the cottonwood trees across the Yukon River and the fading behind the distant mountain in the west. I wish I could throw a rope around it and pull it higher into the sky. Even though it's shining it always feels like I'm in the shadows. The trees are hiding it, or the hill, or the shed to the left of my front door. I already miss it. Winter is passing quickly, but oh so slowly. And I know that this absence of light is going to last much longer than my biological clock would like...
To Begin December
I'm so happy the full moon is done and December has officially has begun. My moral compass was headed in the wrong direction and the November energies (although beautiful) were beginning to drain on me. I was exhausted and in dier need of a change of pace. So when I awoke this morning to cloudy skies (with a foggy chance of snow) my heart felt happy. I had every intention of waking up today and doing the wrong thing. But the full moon's overly sexual energies have subsided and I feel refreshed. My head is much clearer. My emotions are much more stable. And for the first time in quite some time I'm feeling a very positive vibe towards what's to come this month. December is one of my very favorite times of the year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)